Don’t Climb that Ladder! Living out the Cycle of Life and Love

I’ll love you forever. 

I’ll like you for always. 

As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.

This is the  lullaby of a mother to her son in Robert Munsch’s beloved picture book, Love you Forever.

This mother crawls across the floor of her son’s  bedroom, and if he is fast asleep, she cradles him on her lap while reciting the lullaby.  She does this when he is a baby, a toddler, a 9-year old, a teenager, and ultimately an adult.  Yes, an adult.

Finally the mother is too old and sick to come to her son, so he visits her.  And as he cradles and rocks his mother, he repeats the familiar words, “I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always.  As long as I’m living, my mommy you’ll be.”

After his mother dies, the son goes into the room of his own baby daughter, picks her up from her crib, cradles her, and recites the lullaby.  And so the cycle continues.

Now, it is pure sacrilege to utter a word of criticism regarding this beloved classic. Maria Shriver has praised the book, saying she could not read it through without crying.  It was even featured in an episode of  “Friends”  when Joey gives a dramatic reading at Emma’s 1-year birthday, leaving everyone overcome with tears.

But as for me, my tears dry up at the scene where the mom goes to her adult son’s house.

She brings a ladder and climbs through his bedroom window!

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Publishers Weekly said about this part of the story, “Either it moves you to tears and you love it, or it makes your skin crawl and you detest it.”   Another critic said, “It’s either a touching account of a mother’s unending love or the ultimate helicopter parenting gone bad.”

I find this scene downright creepy.  But maybe that is because, if I’m truly honest, my heart’s desire is to do the very same thing.  I am jealous of those mother-daughter relationships where they talk or text each other multiple times a day.

But I also know that healthy detachment allows grown children to find their own path and parents to find their own lives while remaining cheerleaders, pray-ers, safety nets, listening ears.

So we should probably resist the urge to climb into our kid’s bedroom window in the dead of night.  Much as we want to.

That said, I am going in the garage right now to make sure the ladder is in working order and will fit in the back of our SUV.

Joy here: 

Where was I in 1986 when this children’s picture book was published?? I don’t remember it at all.  In fact, I never heard of it.  I was a bit busy at the time, having made the decision to move back to New York City and finding out I was pregnant with our 1st child.  Nevertheless, a book that so many people know and love (some hate) and that won The Parent’s Choice Gold Award, as well as selling 30 million copies worldwide, is hard to miss!

I listened to it being read on a You Tube video this morning. While sweet, endearing, and touching, it’s a bit of an over the top obsessive mother child story (in my opinion). Cradling your teenage child at 17?!!  Child services might be called in today!!!

I could picture SNL doing a skit on this and having a blast doing so, but I also smiled to myself.  It dovetailed so well with my thoughts on letting go and over texting my adult children.  What’s the right amount of space?  Will they reach out if they really need me or should I be happy that they are trying to work out their own issues?

I wonder how tall a ladder I would need to reach my daughter’s 2nd floor apt?  Kidding!!

Today’s Takeaway…

-A bond between a mother and child is powerful, and for most of us, lasts until our last breath of life.

-Know when to pull back and when to dive in.  It takes practice!  Maybe, by the time your children have children of their own, you’ll get it right!!

As always, enjoy the ride!

xox Barclay & Joy

 

 

Barbarella, say it ain’t so! Women Embracing the Gray

Joy here –   I was aghast when I saw Jane Fonda present best picture of the year at the 2020 Academy Awards.  Sexy, bombshell, toned, Fonda, who had inspired millions to exercise to her 1982 Jane Fonda’s Workout, walked out and showed herself to millions of viewers with gray hair!!!

I think this trend of going gray might have started with Helen Mirren (elegance personified), culminating with Sharon Osborne, who had dyed her hair flaming red every week for 18 years!  What gives?  Are women of a certain age feeling more confident in their aging hair and skin?

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Not only did the fabulous Jane Fonda go gray, but she vowed that she was done with surgery to make her look younger.  At 82, she is remarkable by anyone’s standards.  I give her credit for speaking her mind and standing up for what she believes, still an activist in her 8th decade of life!

The guy who is responsible for both Jane and Sharon’s tresses is a top colorist by the name of Jack Martin.  Lady Clairol this is not!  The shades they both chose are truly beautiful grays, not your dingy dish  water gray that creeps up on you and says “time to go to the beauty parlor!”

I admit that I am not ready to go this route.  When I’m 80, (G-D willing) I might go gracefully into the white space. It will highlight my blue eyes, which will be cataract free by then!

 

Barclay here – I’m with Joy!

In fact, I never want to catch sight of what lies beneath!    When I sense its wire-like, springy presence, it is time to call Colette, my miracle working colorist and stylist who has become a good friend, given all the time we spend together!!

The truth is not many of us can afford the likes of Jane’s and Sharon’s colorist, who has deftly overseen their transition to the gray side.  OUR transition would likely be raccoon like, and reveal texture about as smooth as steel wool.

But I DO applaud Jane Fonda for boldly embracing the gray (smooth and perfect as it is) and encouraging us all to age with grace and gratitude.

Personally, I am grateful for her example, but I am equally grateful for Colette, whom I should probably call now.

 

Today’s Takeaway…

-You can spot them on the Red Carpet and on the streets of Naples, Florida, where I am presently.  The big lips, the pained smile, the too-arched eyebrows.  I have heard it said that, “The gods we worship write their names on our faces.”  May our faces radiate contentment and gratitude with normal sized lips and the inner beauty that comes with generosity of spirit.

-That said, let’s give thanks for make-up and hair products!

 

Enjoy the ride!

xox Barclay and Joy

 

Little Children,little problems, big children, big problems

cartoon.jpgI’m sure you’ve heard the expression, “your’e only as happy as your least happy child! I have to admit I, Joy De Santo , am a controlling person, a “helicopter mom’.  I mean well, always have, but after many many years, I’m finally beginning to get it that adult children are different.  I can’t call the guidance counselor anymore and discuss the crappy teacher my child has or complain about a bullying kid that is rude or pushy. I can’t call the mom of a child who isn’t being nice to my daughter or hasn’t invited her to their birthday party.  My ability to help is limited and most of the time, they want to work things out for themselves (as they should) Nevertheless, when it comes to boyfriends and career decisions, every once in a while mom is the only person who can help.

My younger daughter, wise beyond her years and truly an old soul in a young person’s body, gave me an admonishment the other day.  She said, “Mom, you are there to be a sounding board, nothing more.  When a daughter calls, she wants to vent, I am told.  It’s .  a knee jerk reaction-I’m upset, the world sucks, and I want to talk to my mom! Why don’t they call with good news?!!!  They call to complain, kvetch, cry, sob, lash out, and be comforted.  I listen now and try not to interrupt (a very bad life long habit!) If I am asked for an opinion or guidance (not usually the objective of the call), I’ll give it.

Little children are easy.  Their issues, while important to them, are minor in comparison to the adult child. Trying to find your life’s passion, who am I, what do I want to do with myself, how do I afford an apt on my own, convince a hiring manager to give you a chance, live with another person and come to the conclusion that this person is “the one” or not “the one” are big issues, not to be dealt with lightly.

I may be slow in coming round, but I think I get it now.  I need to listen more, speak less, and comfort with a hug, a kiss, or from a distance a note letting that person know that they are loved at all costs. Nothing that is bothering them is bothersome to me as the recipient. That’s what I am there for.

When you are a fixer, a problem solver, this new role is hard.  I can’t stop them from falling down or making mistakes, but I can be there to pick them up and wrap my arms around them (no swaddling!  Requires too much material for a grown child!)

Today’s Takeaway…

.Accept this role of mother to adult children with patience, wisdom, and love

. I will always remember  the first time I had words with my husband or got fired from a job, or thought I had some dreaded disease, who did I call?-my daddy!

Even at 30 or 40 (if your’e lucky to have your parents around) there are times when the only call, text, messenger, FaceTime, you want is your mom (or dad)

As always, enjoy the ride

Barclay & Joy

x0x

When death hits close to home

About a month ago a friend of mine from my former company, one in which I worked for 19 years, texted me. He apologized for contacting me in this way, rather than a phone call. A colleague from work had died suddenly.  She had been in my age group, and though she had some health issues, her dying was totally unexpected and truly overnight.  She had been in the office the day before selling sponsorships to an event, something she had done for years and done it better than anyone could.

She was filled with joy (no pun intended!), a zeal for life, dedication to hard work, specifically selling, and she was quirky.  There is no other P  (name omitted in deference and with respect). She loved good gossip (and there’s always plenty of it in an office environment), purses (she had a house in Spain and couldn’t resist buying beautiful leather bags of every shape and color when she vacationed), shoes (Imelda had nothing on P!), pasta, good coffee, her partner of 25 years, and her family. Dedicated daughter to a very sick mother, kind sister, and loyal friend to all.

I sat next to her when I went back to my former place of employment for 7 months.  In the morning, she’d make me a cup of Nescafe, the European kind, not the crappy American one from the grocery store. If you were working on something and didn’t have time for lunch, she’d make sure you had something from the vending machine!  Selfless, sweet, thoughtful, all would describe P.  One of my friends at work told me he had a drawer full of Kind bars that P brought him every day, even though he disliked them. She wanted to make sure he ate, since he had a reputation for skipping meals! She would never know he stored them away in his drawer for over a year!

When someone dies who is a contemporary, it is a shock, it hits home.  You may love someone in their 80’s or 90’s, but know that their time is nearing and if they pass, it’s not shocking.  It is part of life.  A person in their 50’s or 60’s is still young (at least, they are to me!) and they have so much more to accomplish.  P never did get to retire, have that last goodbye lunch, make that last sale, see one more client, or make one more call to convince a prospect sitting on the fence about attending an awards dinner.

Death doesn’t announce itself.  It can come suddenly and unexpectedly, without warning, without an invite.  P worked for the same company for almost 32 years, truly a part of the fabric of the firm.  She was part of the old culture that had existed, like  your work family. Several of my best friends in life, I made through my time there.

P will be sorely missed by so many, but she leaves those whose lives she touched all the better for having known her.

I know that there will be other calls, texts, emails, to tell me of someone who is near and dear to me dying or being very ill.  I cannot bear the thought.  It saddens me so.  I remember being in Florida with my mother when she got the call that her childhood friend, a woman she had known

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Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

all her life, had passed away.  She sat down and wept.  She hadn’t seen her for many years, but death wakes us up to our own mortality and pinches us to let us know we are alive.  We know not for how long.

Today’s Takeaway:

Death is not somewhere in the far off future. It can come at anytime.  We must take the best care of ourselves, but understand our fate in someone’s else’s hands.

Live life to the fullest and let those who are close to you know how much they mean to you.

As always, enjoy the ride.

xox Barclay & Joy

 

 

 

 

 

It’s all on consignment; Living with the end in mind

My mother’s talent as an interior decorator was on full display in her Florida home.  Orchids and art work, antique side chairs and floral love seats, coffee table books and ash trays – all  were placed just-so.  Her home was stunning.  Yet when my mother passed away, Sotheby’s swooped in and itemized each of her cherished possessions on a stark spreadsheet – valuing it all, even the antiques, at pennies on the dollar.

It’s likely that when we die, no one will actually want our stuff.  And here in Naples, Florida, home to the aging baby boomer, this is especially apparent.

Driving on Tamiani Trail, a major north-south route, one notices a glut of consignment stores and high-end thrift shops.  This is where our precious stuff ends up.  And that’s if we’re lucky – most will get carted off to Goodwill.  People want NEW stuff;  older pieces must be discounted to a fraction of their original cost in order to compete.

Now there’s nothing wrong with creating a beautiful space.  The problem arises when stuff becomes our focus, our void-filler, our source of pleasure.  Because some day, some inevitable day, it’s all headed to the consignment store or Goodwill.

John Ortberg likens this reality to playing Monopoly.  Growing up, he often played Monopoly with his grandmother who lived with them.   She was a lovely woman, he says, but she was ruthless at Monopoly and routinely beat him.   Finally, at age 10, he spent a summer playing the game with a friend, and he learned the secret to winning – that it was all about amassing land and money.

That fall he finally beat his grandmother for the first time, hoarding the land,  the hotels, the cash – taking his grandmother’s last dollar.  After her defeat, he says he asked if they could preserve the board.  Maybe forever.  But his grandma had one more lesson to teach him.  “When the game ends – and it always ends,”  she said.  “It all goes back in the box.”  All the red hotels, all the lovely cash, all the property titles.

All our stuff.

Ortberg urges us to keep the end in mind as we go through our short life.  To remember what is temporary, and to strive to invest in what is eternal –  namely, God and people.

Psalm 90:12 says, ‘Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

Jesus said, “For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”  Mark 8:36

 

So how do we number our days?

By giving thanks for what we have, knowing it is a gift from God – on loan.  We are mere stewards.

By investing in people.  Praying for them. Visiting them in nursing homes, prisons, hospitals, Habitat for Humanity work sites,  or simply in our neighborhood.

Remembering that it all goes back in the box.

Or if we’re lucky, to a consignment store…

 

Today’s Takeaway –

January 25 gave us a tragic reminder of life’s brevity – the sudden taking of Kobe Bryant and his sweet daughter.

All we have is today to invest in that which matters.

As always, enjoy the ride

xox Barclay & Joy

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy 2nd Anniversary, Revisionist Retirement!

Joy here…

So hard to believe that Barclay and I started this blog-www.revisionistretirement.com two years ago this month!  Happy Anniversary to us, and to you, our subscribers!

Who knew how difficult and bumpy this retirement ride would actually be!  Shouldn’t retiring be the finish line of the race you have been running for 30-40 years?  It always seemed so far away, somebody else’s life, not mine!  I was young and would stay forever the girl I saw in the mirror.

It has been a 3-year ride now for Barclay and me.  During that time I have been emotional, depressed, ecstatic, moody, petulant, frustrated, disappointed, and confused (at times, all of these rolled into one!) Now, I think I am in a good place, in my head, in my mind, and in my heart.

What is certain is that reflecting on the process through this blog has been cathartic for us both.  But more importantly, if we have helped ONE person have a smoother ride, then we have accomplished something wonderful!

Soooooo,

We now have a favor to ask you…

 

First a question for those who are retired.

What has been the BEST part about retirement?

What has been the WORST part about retirement?

 

And one more thing…

 

Which of the following topics do you want to hear more about?  

 

___ Aging Well: How to keep your body and brain moving?

____Finding Purpose in Retirement?

____Mental Health?

____A walk down memory lane with Muriel, Ben, Peggy, and Champe?

____Book Reviews?

____Spirituality?

____Parenting and Letting Go?

 

—–Other??


 

 

Today’s Takeaway –

THANK YOU for following this blog!!!

May we continue to enjoy the ride together!

xox Barclay and Joy

 

Image courtesy of https://clipartix.com/retirement-clip-art/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s in YOUR Love Language?

Barclay here –

One of our favorite pastimes is visiting Open Houses on a Sunday afternoon.  Last week my husband and I met Walter, a 70-ish realtor, white-haired and jovial.  “I am actually retired,” he told us.  “I offered to cover this Open House for the homeowner who is a close friend.”  Then he added, “It gives me something to do and I think my wife is happy when I leave the house.”

I’ve heard versions of that statement many times – from the elderly salesman mixing paint at Lowes to the gray-haired gentleman trying to manage a wordy Starbucks order.  “My wife prefers I get out of the house.

Many married retirees are striving to find balance between getting out of the house and enjoying quality time with their spouse — pursuing outlets enough to add to the conversation-table, but not so much that one spouse feels abandoned.  This is tricky as relationships are dynamic and feelings are fragile.  It takes both sensitivity and intentionality.

Joy and I have recently been exploring the 5 Love Languages .  Have you heard of them? Knowing the primary Love Language (LL) of your spouse and becoming fluent in it can enhance your relationship and draw you closer.

We each have a primary LL – the one that, when received, makes us feel loved.  Mine is Words of Affirmation, while my husband’s is likely Quality Time.  Lately here in southwest Florida, we have been hanging pictures together which, like hanging wallpaper, or any home project, can go different directions when measurements don’t align and words veer toward the colorful rather than the affirming. But since my husband and I have been intentional about filling the LL tank, our wall art stayed straight and we ended up giving each other a high five and admiring our handiwork over a beer.

The key is being intentional about the filling and the receiving.  An empty LL tank makes for a dry relationship.  But a full tank can make even hanging pictures a delightful adventure and 35 years of marriage seem like the honeymoon’s just beginning.

So go for it.  Take the quiz and then put it into practice.  The result may mean that people like Walter won’t have to hide out in Open Houses or mix paint at Lowes — unless of course, they can’t wait to tell their spouse about it over wine that evening as she shares about own excursions!

 

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Joy here:

Barclay had mentioned this 5 love languages stuff to me before, but this being a brand new year and a new decade, I figured it was time to give it more consideration. For me, having been married 42 years (hard to believe…yes, I was a child bride!), I occasionally face many of the same issues that I have always faced with my EPS (Ever-Present Spouse). And I have observed that if you don’t address these issues head-on, they won’t go away by themselves.  A wise friend of mine here in Mexico (no names divulged) said, “If you have problems North of the border, you’re still going to have them South of the border.”

As a newly retired person (especially one who’s worked outside of the house for 40 plus years), you may find yourself suddenly spending an inordinate amount of time with your spouse.   It’s a great time to ponder these questions together.

What are our goals in this new phase of life?

What do we still want to accomplish before we die? 

What do we want to explore together as well as on our own? 

How much space  (Me-Time)  do we each need?

The 5 Love Languages site provides a wonderful quiz that helps you answer how you feel about certain things in your relationship with your partner. (Click HERE) .  I took it and while my score was 3 points away from the highest score you can achieve (meaning I have more than one LL), I knew (and had confirmed) that Affirmation – defined as emotional support or encouragement – is the most important action my spouse can show me.

I had my spouse take the test as well.  Interestingly, his score was only a point different from mine (his was actually higher!) and Quality Time was his number one LL, with Affirmation a close second.  His results surprised me.  I had thought Physical Touch would be at the top of the list, but it was actually third.

What this does for a couple is to make it clear what each partner wants from the other.  It’s also a wakeup call that, maybe, you don’t know this person as well as you think you do.

Take the quiz and see what happens.  If nothing else, it’s an interesting exercise!

LL Quiz

Today’s Takeaway…

-Be open to seeing your partner in a new light.  You are not the person you were when you got married, nor is he/she!

-Bearing in mind that you are going to be together a lot more, make the time interesting.  Think of conversation to engage.

-Give each other space.  Sometimes, your partner just wants to know you’re there.  You can be reading in one room and he can be in another on his laptop, or whatever he chooses to do with his time.  Be mindful that you have come through a lot together and there’s much more to come. G-D willing!  Jewish people must say this after every sentence involving health!

-Be happy you have each other because you won’t always!

So…..enjoy the ride and reach for your partner’s hand!

xox Barclay and Joy

 

Happy New Year!

Happy 2020!

Love, love, love from Revisionist Retirement to you, our faithful readers!!

 

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